Monday, 21 May 2012

I Almost Killed A Man

I've been quiet for a reason.  I have a lot of things to write about soon (zombies, self help, recipes, oh my), and I'm hoping I can get back into the groove soon.

If you're wondering why I've been quiet (and by you, I mean all four of you that read this, not including my mom and the Semi-BFF), it's because this month is a bit hard on me.

A year ago one day last week, I caught my husband cheating for the second time (the second time I knew about, anyway).  And when I say cheating, I mean with everyone imaginable.  And when I say I caught him, I mean I read his text messages when he came home from fucking one of his women and had a nap.

Apparently cheating is hard work and makes you very tired.

So, along with the usual pressures of starting over and real life, I've spent most of this month in a bit of a fog.  I often find myself back in that moment, his phone falling out of my hand and hitting the floor, the world around me as I knew it suddenly crashing down.  After throwing up, I stood at the end of the couch, looking down at him, rooted to that spot while I pictured myself killing him.   Walking to the kitchen to get a knife, and stabbing him.  I could actually picture myself doing it, and more than that, I wanted to.  Badly.  

It's hard to talk about.  It's hard to think about.  It seems like I stood there, thinking about murdering him for hours, but I'm certain it was only minutes.  As I finally opened my mouth to start screaming at him, something or someone snapped it shut, and I heard a voice as clear as day.

"It's time to leave.  "

Silently and robotically, I turned from him, and started packing a few things.

To this day I don't know how he slept through me packing my computers and gear, a few clothes and the dogs, but he did.  I don't know how I did it, but I did.

The real pain came later, and continued (continues?) throughout the summer, but that moment right there? That moment changed my entire life.  It changed my entire being.  And sometime in the past week, that moment became a year old.


  1. Jackass.
    Him, not you.
    Hang in there. Looking forward to more of your posts.

  2. My daughter was where you are. It gets better. You can kill him 90 times in your books, you know. :)

  3. You poor thing. I've been there girlfriend. Let me shine some light for you.
    1988 I got married to my high school sweetheart. 18 months later, divorced after finding out he cheated FIVE times. Before and after being married. (how he found the time is beyond me)
    We had house, dog and thankfully no kids.

    Fast Forward to the good stuff. I've been now married 19 yrs to a super awesome man. I have 3 teenage boys and today was the first day I've thought about my ex (after years & years) and that was due to your post. I suppose the betrayal feeling never goes away but there will come a time when you are so thankful that the scumbag cheated on you so that you can look back and reflect on what an awesome life you NOW have. I do that now.
    I swear, the best revenge is to have an amazing life after him. Let him see what he lost out on.
    Virtual hugs being sent to you.